Pravles Redneckoff 🇷🇺 Z

Friday, September 6th, 2019, 20:30

Flat of Zoe and her boyfriend, Hasnerstraße 127, 16th district of Vienna

Zoe and Lisa enter Zoe's flat, located in the same district as the famous Ottakring brewery. A big, green bottle stands on a little podium in the anteroom.

The Austrians call such bottles Doppler ("Doubler") because they hold two liters of wine. If you drink enough Dopplers, the Doppler effect may occur – you will see things doubly.

Zoe introduces Lisa to her boyfriend Manfred.

He is an older man with a stern expression. The remnants of his hair on his head are neatly combed. He wears a sleeveless sweater and a white shirt. The way he dresses makes Lisa wonder if he could be Zoe's grandfather or just her father.

He introduces himself as a gynecologist, and smiles at Lisa with the sincerity of a mannequin. Contrary to most men, he doesn't look at Lisa's face, breasts, or legs. Only the twinkle in his eyes gives him away as a pervert.

The three of them go into the living room. Manfred prepares Wiener Schnitzel with potato salad. They eat with little smalltalk. Afterwards, Manfred goes to the kitchen, where he washes the dishes and then goes to his room to watch a soccer match.

I understand what Zoe sees in him, Lisa thinks. He is a kitchen sink-trained boyfriend you can keep on a long leash. You can trust that he won't run away or start a revolution in art, politics, science, or business.

I bet that in time, she will have him walk upright, roll over, and fetch her clothes and jewelry. She'll have him obediently taking her all over ther world, Lisa thinks. A year or two down the road, he will sire a few pups and wag his tail like it was his own grand plan.

And you can't even say it's an unfair exchange. This fella cannot exist without a woman, because she is what he lives for. If she left him, he would lose the purpose of his life. That's why so many men become alcoholics, drug addicts, and suicide victims.

And Zoe, on the other hand, gets what many broads dream about. Not women, not ladies – broads. They are called broads because they are too lazy and/or stupid to evolve together with their man. So they choose one who doesn't evolve, except in circumference and the shine of his scalp.

No development, no conflict. It's a win-win for both.

Lisa and Zoe stay in the living room. Zoe prepares some coffee.

"So how are things going with Timur?" Zoe says.

"Pretty good," Lisa says. "He is a nice boy."

She looks at her handbag with the folder Timur gave her, the one that caused so much trouble today.

"Well, I think you can do better," Zoe says. "After all, he is just a pizza delivery boy."

"It's a start," Lisa says. "He can grow, realize his potential."

"If he has one," Zoe says. "I doubt he has any interests apart from cars he cannot afford and women who wouldn't touch him."

"The part about women isn't true," Lisa says.

She remembers the image of kissing Timur after the Ukraine files incident.

"I hope you don't take him seriously?" Zoe says. "He is just a pizza delivery boy."

"You already said that," Lisa says.

"Some truths need to be repeated," Zoe says.

"What's so bad about being a pizza delivery boy?" Lisa says. "He earns a living, he works… contributes to society to the extent of his capabilities. Most importantly, he is not one of those entitled Austrian brats who boast about the wealth they inherited and didn't earn."

"But they have wealth," Zoe says. "That's the point."

"You don't believe in earning your way to the top, do you?" Lisa says.

"That's what Americans do," Zoe says. "But Timur is not an American, but a Chechen. You know how they are."

"How are they?" Lisa says.

"Forget it," Zoe says.

Lisa smiles.

I won another discussion today, Lisa thinks.

They drink their coffee in silence for a while. The only thing you can hear is the sound of soccer fans shouting on TV in the adjacent room.

"You seriously tell me you went all the way from Ukraine to marry a khachik?" Zoe says.

"Why do you think I came here to get married?" Lisa says. "I haven't been working my butt off for the last four years to become someone's trophy wife."

"It's always a question who the trophy is…" Zoe says. "A husband can also be a trophy."

"You think your Manfred is a trophy?" Lisa says. She starts laughing.

"What's so funny?" Zoe says.

"There is an old Soviet joke," Lisa says. "A man dies and goes to hell. He gets a tour there and in one location he sees Erich Honecker having sex with Sophia Loren. He asks the guide – why is Honecker having so much fun in hell?"

Lisa has another fit of uncontrollable laughter.

"And the devil," Lisa says. "The devil says – it's Sophia Loren who is in hell."

Zoe's face blanches.

"What does it have to do with me and Manfred?" Zoe says.

"I don't know," Lisa says. "It just came to my mind."

"You mean Manfred is like Honecker?" Zoe says.

"I–" Lisa says.

Zoe, as an experienced mind reader, rushes to defend the honor of Manfred. She needs to stand up to Lisa's thought-bullying.

"Or is it me?" Zoe says. "For your information, he can satisfy a woman like few men can precisely because of his vast experience. It's an exact science of pleasuring me. He knows every nook, cranny, and little hill down there."

Lisa laughs again. Her facial muscles start to hurt from all the laughing.

"I'm not laughing at you," Lisa says. "I'm laughing for you. I'm happy you have such a rich sex life."

He probably can get more bang for the buck from sex toys, also, Lisa thinks. All thanks to his expertise. Plus he can use his equipment, stirrups and all, as pleasure devices. They can role play in the examination room. Enough material for a comedy porn series.

She thinks for a moment.

"If things are so great with Manfred, why are you so fixated on Timur?" Lisa says. "Do you have a crush on him?"

"Pff," Zoe says. "Of course not! Who do you think I am?"

"You think I have bad taste? No, problem. Different strokes for different folks," Lisa says. "But why do you constantly prod me about him?"

"I am not prodding," Zoe says. "I'm just saying you with your physique, you can choose your man. You can be picky. Given those opportunities, I think, you made the wrong choice."

"Why do you keep focusing on my body?" Lisa says. "You objectify me more than most male chauvinist pigs do!"

I wield the intellectual power to make the West pay for everything, Lisa thinks. And yet, everybody, especially women, tries to make me trade this power for the mediocrity of a being yet another bimbo.

Talking with Zoe about this is like throwing pearls before swine, Lisa thinks. Probably she won't understand, or, worse, she may be doing this on purpose.

"My brain is the most precious part of my body," Lisa says.

"That is questionable," Zoe says. "If that was true, you would have chosen someone more promising."

"Just think about it: His childhood, his formative years happened in the shadow of the Second Chechen war," Lisa says. "Then two migrations – one to Moscow, another to Vienna. That's enough PTSD to cripple a boy for life. This boy met his trials, yet no cross marks his place. He does not live off welfare, he makes a decent living and, in time, he can become successful. Have you ever thought about that?"

"No," Zoe says.

"Exactly. Let's change the subject," Lisa says. "Enough about me. Tell me why you have this big bottle standing in the anteroom like a Lenin monument."

Now it is Zoe's turn to smile.

"That's how me and Manfred got together," Zoe says.