White Niggers
Chapter 31
Friday, September 6th, 2019, 11:55
Dr. Zemanek's office, Vienna University of Economics and Business, Welthandelsplatz 1, 2nd district of Vienna
"This got me thinking: what am I here for, if not to save the Ukraine?" Lisa says.
"You mean, here on Earth?" Dr. Zemanek says.
"I mean, here in Austria," Lisa says.
"Let me put it this way: If you do the right thing, take care of yourself, one Ukrainian will be taken care of," Dr. Zemanek says. "And if every Ukrainian takes care of themselves…"
I feel like crying, Lisa thinks.
"…then Ukraine as a whole will be an idiotic nation," Lisa says.
"Lisa!" Dr. Zemanek says.
"These are your words," Lisa says. "Not only that, but after almost thirty years of everyone taking care of themselves, we are the poorhouse of Europe."
There is again an awkward silence.
"If you've taken care of yourself, and if you so desire, you can produce several new Ukrainians," Dr. Zemanek says. "Even though I'd advise against it."
"I've squandered the last five years of my life," Lisa says.
"Pardon?" Dr. Zemanek says.
Lisa's eyes start to get wet.
She may see, Lisa thinks. I don't fucking care.
"I just realized…" Lisa says. "When I came here, I imagined myself a heroine on a treasure hunt. The treasure being the secret knowledge the Westerners had and we didn't. The sacred values. I wanted to take it and bring it to my people back home."
Dr. Zemanek is getting tense again.
"Judging by what you say, there is no treasure," Lisa says.
"Comfortable life itself is a treasure," Dr. Zemanek says. "For you, your husband and kids. It's yours for the taking. You didn't squander anything."
Dr. Zemanek's face makes a grimace when she says "husband" and even bigger one when she says "kids".
Lisa shakes her head.
Now her crying gets stronger. Tears run down Lisa's cheeks.
"No, no," Lisa says. "My black hole of pain is too big to fill it up with hedonism."
Lisa controllably cries for a few minutes. Dr. Zemanek is at a loss.
I wish this crying was manipulative, but it comes from something I can't control, Lisa thinks.
"In one thing you are right," Lisa says. "I haven't squandered the last five years."
Dr. Zemanek's face relaxes for a moment.
"I do have a treasure to bring home," Lisa says.
Dr. Zemanek gets tense again.