Pravles Redneckoff 🇷🇺 Z

Friday, September 6th, 2019, 10:45

Dr. Zemanek's office, Vienna University of Economics and Business, Welthandelsplatz 1, 2nd district of Vienna

"I can tell you why, but let me first finish my case," Lisa says.

I'll tell you all right, bitch, Lisa thinks. Oops. I'm surprised I'd even think that word applied to my idol. What just came over me?

"Without the EU's insistence on exclusivity, nobody would be fighting anybody," Lisa says.

"I know where you are going with this, but it's, again, a shaky argument," Dr. Zemanek says. "It's a little far-fetched to connect that conflict with the EU's agreement."

"There are a few things the Russians did before the coup that indirectly support my thesis," Lisa says.

"For example?" Dr. Zemanek says.

"For eight years, the Russians sent Chernomyrdin as an ambassador to Ukraine, a former prime minister," Lisa says.

"How does it prove the Russians didn't want to take Ukraine over?" Dr. Zemanek says.

"If they wanted to seize Ukraine, they'd send someone competent, like Nebenzya or Antonov," Lisa says. "Instead, they treated Ukraine as a retirement home for senile politicians. In Russia, Chernomyrdin was a laughingstock."

"Maybe they ran out of competent ones, who knows," Dr. Zemanek says. "Or, perhaps there is more to this Chaikovsky fella–"

"Chernomyrdin," Lisa says. She barely succeeds at keeping a straight face.

Need to control my bladder, Lisa thinks. This highly concentrated coffee is dehydrating me, and I may pee myself from laughing too hard.

The question is: whom are you laughing at – the epitome of Western intellectual supremacy who can't tell apart a genius composer from an American quisling, or a little girl who is swept off her feet by her? Lisa thinks.

Dr. Zemanek doesn't seem to notice Lisa's struggle.

"Perhaps there is more to this Chernomyrdin fella than meets the eye," Dr. Zemanek says.

"No, there is less," Lisa says.

This time she can't suppress the laughter.

"I'm sorry, I just remembered another character who rivals the comedic qualities of Chernomyrdin," Lisa says. "I'll show you, I have to, it's hysterical."

Lisa pulls up a video on her smartphone to show to Dr. Zemanek.

There are four people on the video: Kuchma, Yanukovich, Putin, and Medvedev. They seem to be at some kind of military parade, judging by the music in the background.

Yanukovich takes a piece of candy out of his pocket and eats it. Then he offers another piece of candy to Medvedev, who accepts it. Then the same with Putin. He refuses the candy.

He says nothing, but no amount of KGB training can prevent his face from silently screaming: "Who is this idiot?".

Dr. Zemanek watches the video with a polite smile on her face. No need to worry about her bladder control.

"Do you really think this is the person you would put in charge if you were Russian and you wanted to take Ukraine?" Lisa says.

"Well, awkwardness isn't necessarily a sign of stupidity," Dr. Zemanek says. "Maybe that was his thing – make everybody believe he was stupid, but then do Russia's bidding in secret."

"If he was an obedient Russian puppet, how do you explain that he wanted to accept the association agreement with the EU?" Lisa says. "The only thing he asked for was postponement of negotiations. Which is understandable – if you want to cut yourself off from your most important trading partner, you do need to think it through."

"Maybe after the first postponement, he would postpone it again?" Dr. Zemanek says. "Like we did with Turkey's EU membership."

"That's a flimsy argument," Lisa says. "Coulda, woulda, shoulda."

"Touché," Dr. Zemanek says. "Are you finished with your case?"

"Not even close," Lisa says.

"Continue, then," Dr. Zemanek says.

"There are two reasons why I think the Russians didn't want to seize parts of Ukraine," Lisa says. "One is a military one, the other a diplomatic one."

"The military argument is this," Lisa says. "The Russians didn't give the separatists enough weapons to defeat Ukraine in 2014. Not only that, when those separatists were about to deliver a final blow to the Armed Forces of Ukraine in 2015, Putin and Merkel started negotiations, which led to the Minsk accords. If you look at this, does this show that Russia intended to really take the Donbass?"

"I don't know," Dr. Zemanek says. "What's your diplomatic argument?"

"Both separatist republics have been asking Russia to accept them as parts of Russia since 2014," Lisa says.

"And?" Dr. Zemanek says.

"And Russia kept saying: As long as the Minsk process is underway, those regions belong to Ukraine," Lisa says.

"Unlike Crimea," Dr. Zemanek says.

"Even that is questionable," Lisa says. "Do you know the story about the little green men: soldiers and officers without insignia who took over Crimea and basically gave it to Russia?"

"I've heard about them," Dr. Zemanek says.

"Do you know why these people didn't wear any insignia?" Lisa says.

"Enlighten me," Dr. Zemanek says.

"In Ukraine, the soldiers who live in a particular region also serve there," Lisa says. "Therefore, most of the Ukrainian troops in Crimea were pro-Russian. During the 2014 coup, they switched to the Russian side. The Russians weren't prepared for that. They didn't have enough uniforms. So the previously Ukrainian troops tore off the Ukrainian insignia, but didn't put on Russian ones because there weren't any available. That's how they became the famous little green men."

"And the conclusion is?" Dr. Zemanek says.

"If the Ukrainian servicemembers hadn't switched to the Russian side, Crimea would probably still be Ukrainian," Lisa says.

"You really think the Russians wouldn't have seized Crimea without this initiative from within?" Dr. Zemanek says.

"Judge for yourself," Lisa says. "Look at the news headlines from 2013 and 2014, preferably pro-Russian ones. You'll often read 'The American ambassador in Ukraine is doing this, the American ambassador is doing that.' Whenever I read those, I asked myself: what the hell was the Russian ambassador doing at the time?"

"I assume you either have all your receipts in order, or you will get them in order, as usual," Dr. Zemanek says. "But claiming that Russia didn't overthrow Ukrainian government is different from demanding reparations from the West."

"Of course," Lisa says. "To discuss this rationally, we need to establish an ideal solution for Ukraine. Then we can see whether the actions of Western governments moved Ukraine towards the ideal, or away from it. Do you agree?"

"Yes," Dr. Zemanek says. She says it reluctantly, as if she feels that Lisa is about to corner her.

Let's flatter her a bit to sweeten the bitter pill, Lisa thinks. Pandering to patriotism almost always works on Austrians.

"What's ideal for Ukraine is what's real in Austria," Lisa says.

"I don't understand," Dr. Zemanek says. "What does Austria have to do with Ukraine?"

"Austria, just like Ukraine, is sandwiched between the East and the West," Lisa says. "If you, as a nation, want to survive the likely and inevitable conflicts betwen major powers, your best choice is neutrality."

Dr. Zemanek leans away and crosses her arms over her chest.

"But maintaining peace is only one reason to stay neutral," Lisa says. "When your country consists of different peoples who are in conflict with each other, you either stay neutral or get torn apart in the next war."

"Ukraine is like Switzerland, is that what you are getting at?" Dr. Zemanek says.

"Yes. The Swiss are, in reality, Italians, Germans, and French. If they weren't neutral, they'd be at each each other's throats during both world wars, and there would be no Switzerland today," Lisa says. "In Ukraine, there are both pro-Western and pro-Russian people, plus a host of ethnic minorities. What's good for the Swiss is good for the Ukrainians, right?"

"I have some reservations, but let's discuss them later," Dr. Zemanek says.

She scribbles something on a piece of paper, then looks into empty space as if she is thinking so hard her head hurts. Then she massages her throat with her hand.

"Well, the Ukrainian founding fathers believed that so much that they made neutrality part of the Ukrainian constitution," Lisa says. "This is very similar to Austria, Switzerland and, to a lesser extent, Finland."

It looks like she feels more and more uncomfortable, Lisa thinks. And I wonder – why? Where is she woolgathering, and what is Ukraine to her?

"This was a wise decision," Lisa says. "About half a year ago, the parliament adopted article 102 of the constitution. It mandates that the president tries to get Ukraine into NATO."

"How does this justify reparations from the West?" Dr. Zemanek says.

"Because the current administration is overtly pro-Western," Lisa says. "This policy virtually guarantees a big war with Russia. Summa summarum, the West through its proxy in Kiev is leading Ukraine to a war with Russia."

"That sounds a bit extreme," Dr. Zemanek says.

"It is. But it's based on facts," Lisa says. "When Georgia tried to get into NATO, it led to a war with Russia. There's the Burns Memorandum and public statements by Russian officials."

"I wouldn't trust Russian officials," Dr. Zemanek says.

"The Ukrainian ones say the same," Lisa says. "Arestovich, a Ukrainian PR specialist recenly said Ukraine can join NATO only after a big war wih Russia. He claims it's worth it, and the current administration – judging by what it does – thinks the same. And, by the way, they didn't consult the Ukrainian people, their voters, to see if they thought it was worth it to go through a big war to get the NATO membership."